Monday, May 26, 2014
Messages From Heaven: ‘Our Marriage Was Dead’
Messages From Heaven: ‘Our Marriage Was Dead’: Karaña Walker looked at her friend’s face and knew something was wrong. Laura Danser and her husband, Dale, were walking toward her. They ...
‘Our Marriage Was Dead’
Karaña Walker looked at her friend’s face and knew something was
wrong. Laura Danser and her husband, Dale, were walking toward her. They
were among thousands of couples streaming out of the Cox Convention
Center in Oklahoma City after attending an I Still Do™ marriage event.
Laura was weeping and Dale’s face was flushed. When the two women met, Laura embraced her friend, hesitant to let go. Between sobs, she whispered into Karaña’s ear, “How did you know?”
“How did I know what?” Karaña asked. But it wasn’t until later that Karaña learned what Laura meant.
How did you know how badly we needed this?
Hidden struggles
A few days before I Still Do, a one-day event sponsored by FamilyLife that encourages couples to commit to a lifelong marriage, a couple in Karaña Walker’s church realized they wouldn’t be able to attend. So they asked Karaña and her husband, Butch, to give away their two tickets.
Karaña asked Laura if she’d like the extra tickets. At first Laura declined the invitation, saying that she wouldn’t have child care. But when Karaña told her, “We have that taken care of,” the Dansers agreed to go.
At the time, Karaña and Butch did not know that Dale and Laura’s marriage was in trouble … that Laura had been searching through library books for help. “I knew we couldn’t afford professional marriage counseling,” she says. “I didn’t know who to go to.”
Like many people, the Dansers believed that marriage problems should be kept private. Already divorced once, Dale wasn’t about to admit that he was again failing in marriage. Yes, he and Laura held hands at church, but that was out of habit. No one had any idea that their marriage was broken, that they were living in parallel universes.
Dale usually worked 70 or 80 hours a week; he and Laura saw each other only an hour or two each day. He felt like Laura had time for the kids, for church and home school activities, but little time for just him.
And Laura felt alone, raising the children by herself. Laura says Dale constantly found fault with her. And she regretted what she said during one argument: “Just get a divorce attorney.” Even though she had not meant those words, soon afterward Dale told her that he didn’t love her any more. She cried all that night.
Back in 2002, if someone could have looked beyond the Dansers’ veneered exteriors, they’d probably wonder: Is there any hope for this marriage? Or is it already dead?
Something happened
Dale agreed to attend I Still Do even though he didn’t expect his marriage to work out. In fact, he had been hiding some secret money so he could leave his wife and the kids. He kept it in an envelope in his car, and as he and Laura drove to the marriage event that day in 2002, she was actually sitting above that money.
I Still Do did not begin well for the Dansers. They even got into an argument. “He reads faster than I do,” Laura says. While sharing a booklet during I Still Do, Dale turned a page when Laura was still reading it. So Laura reached over his hand to go back, “and he threw the book at me,” Laura says. She almost walked out.
But at some point late in the event, something happened. “There was something about what this speaker said … or it was just the hand of God turning our hearts,” Laura says, “and something just clicked with both of us.” They began to see the need for God’s direction in their lives.
About that time the speaker pointed to huge containers filled with freshly cut, long-stemmed roses. He invited the audience members to come down and get a rose to offer to their spouses, and then renew their vows.
As Dale walked down countless rows of seats, he joined thousands of others. When he returned with a rose for Laura, he had a determined look in his eye—he was fighting for his marriage.
Dale grabbed his wife’s hand. They both began to cry. What was God doing?
Real work
The day after I Still Do, Laura visited Butch and Karaña Walker and explained why she had appeared so upset after the event was over. She explained that she and Dale had been on the verge of divorce, and told them how Dale had confessed everything to her—that he had been hiding money, and that he had even quit wearing his wedding ring because he didn’t want to stay married.
Karaña was speechless. “You never even told us.”
After years of struggles, the veneered exterior of the Dansers’ marriage had been peeled off. Now the real work of transforming their relationship began.
They joined the Walkers’ small group and began going through FamilyLife’s marriage Bible studies. With other couples they learned how to grow together in Christ, communicate, manage conflict, and much more. “We’ve done almost all of [the small-group Bible studies] now,” Laura says.
Dale’s father died in April 2003, and with his passing Dale began to rethink his own life. Suddenly chasing materialism didn’t seem to be such a good race. So he requested, and was given, a demotion at work. Although this increased the financial pressures, fewer hours at work gave him needed time at home.
Then, in November 2003, Dale’s mother died.
Years of smoking, long hours at work, and the death of his parents had taken their toll on Dale’s body. In 2004 he was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, and a year later had triple bypass surgery “at the ripe old age of 41,” he says.
Life has taken many twists and turns for the Dansers. “Our marriage is totally different,” Laura says: Dale now uses a wheelchair because of his arthritis, and he needs Laura’s help more and more.
But their marriage is strong because they are committed to one another for a lifetime—for better, for worse … for richer, for poorer ... in sickness and in health.
Grateful for the dark time
Over the years, Laura has kept special keepsakes in a cardboard box. In it are not only her children’s first shoes, but also a plastic bag with the Oklahoma City I Still Do program and a faded rose.
And on a wall in the Dansers’ home hangs a framed, signed marriage covenant; they received it at I Still Do. Seeing it reminds them of the day God transformed their marriage: October 26, 2002.
Today Laura is grateful for the dark time in her marriage and compares it to words in Psalm 23:4. “It talks about walking through the valley of the shadow of death,” she says. “Well, our marriage was dead and the only way we could get through was to walk through together.”
Like many couples, the Dansers have learned a lot about marriage the hard way. They want to help others not make their same mistakes. That’s why they mentor young couples today.
Laura says it was worth going through the dark times. “We truly have a partnership [today] … and now we see the impact we are making on other couples.”
Laura was weeping and Dale’s face was flushed. When the two women met, Laura embraced her friend, hesitant to let go. Between sobs, she whispered into Karaña’s ear, “How did you know?”
“How did I know what?” Karaña asked. But it wasn’t until later that Karaña learned what Laura meant.
How did you know how badly we needed this?
Hidden struggles
A few days before I Still Do, a one-day event sponsored by FamilyLife that encourages couples to commit to a lifelong marriage, a couple in Karaña Walker’s church realized they wouldn’t be able to attend. So they asked Karaña and her husband, Butch, to give away their two tickets.
Karaña asked Laura if she’d like the extra tickets. At first Laura declined the invitation, saying that she wouldn’t have child care. But when Karaña told her, “We have that taken care of,” the Dansers agreed to go.
At the time, Karaña and Butch did not know that Dale and Laura’s marriage was in trouble … that Laura had been searching through library books for help. “I knew we couldn’t afford professional marriage counseling,” she says. “I didn’t know who to go to.”
Like many people, the Dansers believed that marriage problems should be kept private. Already divorced once, Dale wasn’t about to admit that he was again failing in marriage. Yes, he and Laura held hands at church, but that was out of habit. No one had any idea that their marriage was broken, that they were living in parallel universes.
Dale usually worked 70 or 80 hours a week; he and Laura saw each other only an hour or two each day. He felt like Laura had time for the kids, for church and home school activities, but little time for just him.
And Laura felt alone, raising the children by herself. Laura says Dale constantly found fault with her. And she regretted what she said during one argument: “Just get a divorce attorney.” Even though she had not meant those words, soon afterward Dale told her that he didn’t love her any more. She cried all that night.
Back in 2002, if someone could have looked beyond the Dansers’ veneered exteriors, they’d probably wonder: Is there any hope for this marriage? Or is it already dead?
Something happened
Dale agreed to attend I Still Do even though he didn’t expect his marriage to work out. In fact, he had been hiding some secret money so he could leave his wife and the kids. He kept it in an envelope in his car, and as he and Laura drove to the marriage event that day in 2002, she was actually sitting above that money.
I Still Do did not begin well for the Dansers. They even got into an argument. “He reads faster than I do,” Laura says. While sharing a booklet during I Still Do, Dale turned a page when Laura was still reading it. So Laura reached over his hand to go back, “and he threw the book at me,” Laura says. She almost walked out.
But at some point late in the event, something happened. “There was something about what this speaker said … or it was just the hand of God turning our hearts,” Laura says, “and something just clicked with both of us.” They began to see the need for God’s direction in their lives.
About that time the speaker pointed to huge containers filled with freshly cut, long-stemmed roses. He invited the audience members to come down and get a rose to offer to their spouses, and then renew their vows.
As Dale walked down countless rows of seats, he joined thousands of others. When he returned with a rose for Laura, he had a determined look in his eye—he was fighting for his marriage.
Dale grabbed his wife’s hand. They both began to cry. What was God doing?
Real work
The day after I Still Do, Laura visited Butch and Karaña Walker and explained why she had appeared so upset after the event was over. She explained that she and Dale had been on the verge of divorce, and told them how Dale had confessed everything to her—that he had been hiding money, and that he had even quit wearing his wedding ring because he didn’t want to stay married.
Karaña was speechless. “You never even told us.”
After years of struggles, the veneered exterior of the Dansers’ marriage had been peeled off. Now the real work of transforming their relationship began.
They joined the Walkers’ small group and began going through FamilyLife’s marriage Bible studies. With other couples they learned how to grow together in Christ, communicate, manage conflict, and much more. “We’ve done almost all of [the small-group Bible studies] now,” Laura says.
Dale’s father died in April 2003, and with his passing Dale began to rethink his own life. Suddenly chasing materialism didn’t seem to be such a good race. So he requested, and was given, a demotion at work. Although this increased the financial pressures, fewer hours at work gave him needed time at home.
Then, in November 2003, Dale’s mother died.
Years of smoking, long hours at work, and the death of his parents had taken their toll on Dale’s body. In 2004 he was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, and a year later had triple bypass surgery “at the ripe old age of 41,” he says.
Life has taken many twists and turns for the Dansers. “Our marriage is totally different,” Laura says: Dale now uses a wheelchair because of his arthritis, and he needs Laura’s help more and more.
But their marriage is strong because they are committed to one another for a lifetime—for better, for worse … for richer, for poorer ... in sickness and in health.
Grateful for the dark time
Over the years, Laura has kept special keepsakes in a cardboard box. In it are not only her children’s first shoes, but also a plastic bag with the Oklahoma City I Still Do program and a faded rose.
And on a wall in the Dansers’ home hangs a framed, signed marriage covenant; they received it at I Still Do. Seeing it reminds them of the day God transformed their marriage: October 26, 2002.
Today Laura is grateful for the dark time in her marriage and compares it to words in Psalm 23:4. “It talks about walking through the valley of the shadow of death,” she says. “Well, our marriage was dead and the only way we could get through was to walk through together.”
Like many couples, the Dansers have learned a lot about marriage the hard way. They want to help others not make their same mistakes. That’s why they mentor young couples today.
Laura says it was worth going through the dark times. “We truly have a partnership [today] … and now we see the impact we are making on other couples.”
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Messages From Heaven: Long Lines!
Messages From Heaven: Long Lines!: I don’t know about you, but I am not a fan of long lines. When I am at the supermarket, I will even go to the 12-items-or-less line, so I...
Long Lines!
I don’t know about you, but I am not a fan of long lines.
When I am at the supermarket, I will even go to the 12-items-or-less line, so I don’t have to wait. The problem is that I usually need to get more than 12 items, but I do it anyway, just so I don’t have to wait in another line!
Of course, I will still count the number of items the person in front of me is buying!
And when a new lane opens and they say, “Next in line,” I’m a happy camper.
Imagine that you are standing in the hot blistering sun, waiting for Disneyland to open. You are far back in line, and it seems to be taking forever. Suddenly, a man comes to you and identifies himself as the CEO of Disney. He invites you to step ahead of the line and get in the park before everyone else.
Would you be happy about that? Of course you would, though I’m sure the other people waiting might resent that a bit.
That’s how it is when a Christian dies young or unexpectedly. They get to go ahead of the rest of us—not to Disneyland, but to heaven! Getting into heaven early is a privilege, not a punishment. It’s a promotion, not a termination. An early death means an early crown.
Our deepest regret is we didn’t get to go with them. We should not think of our loved ones in heaven as being gone. That word is taken from the vocabulary of death, and it implies that the loved one no longer exists, which could not be more false. The Bible says that they have departed to be with Christ, which is far better (see Philippians 1:23).
If you must use the word “gone,” then you should say, “They are gone from me now, but I will see them again.” This is the great hope of the Christian!
“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?’” (John 11:25–26 nkjv).
When I am at the supermarket, I will even go to the 12-items-or-less line, so I don’t have to wait. The problem is that I usually need to get more than 12 items, but I do it anyway, just so I don’t have to wait in another line!
Of course, I will still count the number of items the person in front of me is buying!
And when a new lane opens and they say, “Next in line,” I’m a happy camper.
Imagine that you are standing in the hot blistering sun, waiting for Disneyland to open. You are far back in line, and it seems to be taking forever. Suddenly, a man comes to you and identifies himself as the CEO of Disney. He invites you to step ahead of the line and get in the park before everyone else.
Would you be happy about that? Of course you would, though I’m sure the other people waiting might resent that a bit.
That’s how it is when a Christian dies young or unexpectedly. They get to go ahead of the rest of us—not to Disneyland, but to heaven! Getting into heaven early is a privilege, not a punishment. It’s a promotion, not a termination. An early death means an early crown.
Our deepest regret is we didn’t get to go with them. We should not think of our loved ones in heaven as being gone. That word is taken from the vocabulary of death, and it implies that the loved one no longer exists, which could not be more false. The Bible says that they have departed to be with Christ, which is far better (see Philippians 1:23).
If you must use the word “gone,” then you should say, “They are gone from me now, but I will see them again.” This is the great hope of the Christian!
“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?’” (John 11:25–26 nkjv).
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Messages From Heaven: Who Gets Grace?
Messages From Heaven: Who Gets Grace?: Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God oppose...
Who Gets Grace?
Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe
yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God
opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Humble yourselves,
therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he
may exalt you (1 Peter 5:5–6, ESV).
God opposes the proud. In the context of Peter’s full letter, the particular brand of pride he is referring to is refusal to submit to an authority in our lives—a boss, coach, mentor, elder, teacher, pastor, spouse.
Why do we get bent and rebellious? Because someone else is in control, and we’re not. Because an authority’s expectations grate on us, and we want to choose our own ways. Because we want specific things to happen in our lives, and those things are not happening. So we get rebellious and think, I will make it happen. I'll take control and get what I deserve, and no one is not going to stop me.
That’s pure rebellion. Let’s consider the underlying problem: When you resist authority and refuse to submit, you have become overly focused on the human authority in your life. Behind that person is God, who establishes human institutions. When you proudly resist human authority, God Himself will oppose you—which is a terrifying, sobering thought. He ensures your attitude of rebellion will never take you to a good place.
You may protest, “But my situation is different. What’s happening to me is so unjust. I’m being treated unfairly. It’s not right.” Your assessment may be right, but that doesn’t change God’s answer: “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you” (5:6). God’s radical guidance runs contrary to our natural reactions. Clawing your way to some position of success or opportunity may seem appealing, but it is far more rewarding to wait, trust God, and see Him put you in that place. Then you know with certainty He wanted you there.
At some point, most of us have to work or live with someone in authority who is unreasonable. If we bear up under unjust suffering, we receive favor from God (1 Peter 2:19-20). But if the problem is our own fault, God is not commending us for hanging in there. More likely He’s thinking, I wish they would stop rebelling. It would save them so much pain and bring us closer together. We find favor with God when we endure for the right reasons—and submission invites His favor.
God loves heartfelt, willing humility. When He sees you bearing up under injustice with a submissive spirit, get ready to be blessed. The Lord instructs you to submit and honors you when you do. As you reflect on the history of your life, you will likely see a pattern: seasons of struggle when you have chosen to submit to difficult authorities are followed by abundant favor and blessings from God.
Have you found this pattern to be true in your own life—struggle, submission, blessing? With God, the way up is down. The next time an authority grates on you, rather than demanding your way, try submission. Remember, when you submit to a human authority, you are submitting to God. Humble yourself under His mighty hand and experience His favor and grace.
God opposes the proud. In the context of Peter’s full letter, the particular brand of pride he is referring to is refusal to submit to an authority in our lives—a boss, coach, mentor, elder, teacher, pastor, spouse.
Why do we get bent and rebellious? Because someone else is in control, and we’re not. Because an authority’s expectations grate on us, and we want to choose our own ways. Because we want specific things to happen in our lives, and those things are not happening. So we get rebellious and think, I will make it happen. I'll take control and get what I deserve, and no one is not going to stop me.
That’s pure rebellion. Let’s consider the underlying problem: When you resist authority and refuse to submit, you have become overly focused on the human authority in your life. Behind that person is God, who establishes human institutions. When you proudly resist human authority, God Himself will oppose you—which is a terrifying, sobering thought. He ensures your attitude of rebellion will never take you to a good place.
You may protest, “But my situation is different. What’s happening to me is so unjust. I’m being treated unfairly. It’s not right.” Your assessment may be right, but that doesn’t change God’s answer: “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you” (5:6). God’s radical guidance runs contrary to our natural reactions. Clawing your way to some position of success or opportunity may seem appealing, but it is far more rewarding to wait, trust God, and see Him put you in that place. Then you know with certainty He wanted you there.
At some point, most of us have to work or live with someone in authority who is unreasonable. If we bear up under unjust suffering, we receive favor from God (1 Peter 2:19-20). But if the problem is our own fault, God is not commending us for hanging in there. More likely He’s thinking, I wish they would stop rebelling. It would save them so much pain and bring us closer together. We find favor with God when we endure for the right reasons—and submission invites His favor.
God loves heartfelt, willing humility. When He sees you bearing up under injustice with a submissive spirit, get ready to be blessed. The Lord instructs you to submit and honors you when you do. As you reflect on the history of your life, you will likely see a pattern: seasons of struggle when you have chosen to submit to difficult authorities are followed by abundant favor and blessings from God.
Have you found this pattern to be true in your own life—struggle, submission, blessing? With God, the way up is down. The next time an authority grates on you, rather than demanding your way, try submission. Remember, when you submit to a human authority, you are submitting to God. Humble yourself under His mighty hand and experience His favor and grace.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Messages From Heaven: Are Women Responsible for Date Rape?
Messages From Heaven: Are Women Responsible for Date Rape?: What do you think about "date rape" when a girl has given a guy the come-on? If she has flirted with him and gone with him to an ...
Are Women Responsible for Date Rape?
What do you think about "date rape" when a girl has given a guy
the come-on? If she has flirted with him and gone with him to an
apartment or to someplace she shouldn't be, doesn't he have the right to
have sex with her?
A guy never has a right to force a woman to have sex with him under any circumstances. She should be able to say no at any point, and he must honor that denial. It is criminal that so many girls and women are raped today. Fully 60 % of all females who lose their virginity before age 15 say that their first sexual experience was forced! That is a tragedy with far-reaching consequences.
What concerns me is that society has taught young men that they have the right to force themselves on young women. In a study conducted by the Rhode Island Rape Crisis Center, 1,700 students between the 6th and 9th grades were asked if a guy should have a right to force a woman to have sexual intercourse with him under certain circumstances. 65 % of the boys and 47% of the girls said boys do have that right if they have dated a girl for 6 months or longer! And 51% of the boys said a guy has a right to force a girl to kiss him if he spent "a lot of money on her"--defined by 12-year-olds as 10 to 15 dollars.
No wonder women find themselves on the defensive so often today. Some men fully expect them to prostitute themselves if they've spent a few bucks on them.
Let me leave you with this thought, written by my father before he died. If you incorporate it into your system of values, it will serve as a worthy guide to the management of your sexual energy:
"Strong desire is like a river. As long as it flows within the banks of God's will-- be the current strong or weak--all is well. But when it overruns those boundaries and seeks its own channels, then disaster lurks in the rampage below."
A guy never has a right to force a woman to have sex with him under any circumstances. She should be able to say no at any point, and he must honor that denial. It is criminal that so many girls and women are raped today. Fully 60 % of all females who lose their virginity before age 15 say that their first sexual experience was forced! That is a tragedy with far-reaching consequences.
What concerns me is that society has taught young men that they have the right to force themselves on young women. In a study conducted by the Rhode Island Rape Crisis Center, 1,700 students between the 6th and 9th grades were asked if a guy should have a right to force a woman to have sexual intercourse with him under certain circumstances. 65 % of the boys and 47% of the girls said boys do have that right if they have dated a girl for 6 months or longer! And 51% of the boys said a guy has a right to force a girl to kiss him if he spent "a lot of money on her"--defined by 12-year-olds as 10 to 15 dollars.
No wonder women find themselves on the defensive so often today. Some men fully expect them to prostitute themselves if they've spent a few bucks on them.
Let me leave you with this thought, written by my father before he died. If you incorporate it into your system of values, it will serve as a worthy guide to the management of your sexual energy:
"Strong desire is like a river. As long as it flows within the banks of God's will-- be the current strong or weak--all is well. But when it overruns those boundaries and seeks its own channels, then disaster lurks in the rampage below."
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